Have you ever had a temper tantrum directed at God? I have. Recently. Not even a week ago, actually. It wasn’t pretty, and it was a humbling experience for sure—a bit King David-esque. Let me share my story with you because God beautifully displayed His love and redemption and grace.
Let’s rewind a bit to last Wednesday, September 10, 2025, the day Charlie Kirk was so brutally assassinated. That morning was when I first became aware of Iryna Zarutska’s horrific murder. Seeing the footage both shocked and moved me. I couldn’t get the images out of my mind. Then, a news alert on my phone requesting prayer for Charlie Kirk because he’d been shot. All day, I was glued to the news, my heart aching, trying to understand. Then another school shooting. All the while grieving the 2nd anniversary of my grandpa’s death. I couldn’t sleep well that night, all the images looping constantly through my mind, only to wake to the 24th anniversary of 9/11. My emotions were feral almost. We decided to skip school (flexibility is such a blessing with homeschooling) and just try to process together.
That night, I had plans to go to THAT GIRL. Conference at my church, Northview Church. Rudy’d bought my ticket for Mother’s Day, and I’d been looking forward to this event all year. Charlotte Gambill was to teach and Hope Darst lead worship—what an incredible team! But with my emotions so out of control, I didn’t want to move, much less get ready and join 2,000 other women. Just getting dressed seemed excruciating, but I got ready, headed to the event since Rudy had given me the ticket. . . only to get stuck in traffic! If you know me well, you’ll understand that I DO NOT like to be late. At all. And traffic just wasn’t budging. So, I decided to go a different route, only to get stuck again. Then a detour where I got lost, and a u-turn right back to where I was, and I was praying all the while:
Abba, would You please save me a seat? And would you please save one for You right next to me? Please!
Finally, I arrived at church to a wildly packed-out parking lot, and this introvert-girl’s heart sank. I walked to the doors, stood nervously in line on the verge of tears, and waited my turn. The lady greeted me with a big, warm smile—and asked to scan my QR code. QR code? What QR code? I stood to the side to find the email with the ticket. . . but we’d recently switched cell carriers, and my email app wouldn’t allow me to sign in. And those pent-up, frustrated, nervous tears began to fall. Y’all, I was so embarrassed. And mad. I called Rudy and asked him to again forward me the ticket information, but he couldn’t find it. By now, those tears are streaming and people are noticing. Feeling there was nothing else, we could do, I started walking back to my little car. Eyes and cheeks black from smudged teary mascara, I stormed into the Throne Room, stomped my feet, and pounded my fists on my Abba-God’s chest.
I asked You to save me a seat! And save You one next to me! And You didn’t even let me have a seat at all!!!Do You not even care?
I was well on my way back home, when Rudy called me. He’d so thoughtfully contacted a leader at church and explained the situation. That friend had informed the event leader, who looked up and found my ticket and information. Rudy suggested I turn back around and try again because they’d resolved the problem. And I did. And guess what? God made a way. But that’s not the end of the story, not even close.
I walked in to a sea of ladies. So. Many. People. The lines for different shopping areas were wrapped around rooms, so I walked into the auditorium and was overwhelmed by how filled the space was. Seeing a few seats open near the front where I usually sit, I swiftly headed that direction—to discover cardigans and handbags saving the seats. Upon asking, I repeatedly heard the same answer, “yes, saved…yes, I’m saving these.” And the panic began to rise. Then, a different answer, “I have these saved, but there are a couple left at the end of the row.” Walking to the indicated seats, I noticed an open section a couple rows up, so sat at the end there. Minutes later, I heard the lady sitting directly in front of me say that the 3 seats next to her were available—and there were no seats in front of those! Wide open space! So, up I moved, thanking God for my seat. But the story still isn’t done.
Three sweet ladies came to sit next to me, and another lady sat on the other side of me. Worship began, and my soul quieted. I barely noticed the lady directly to my right moving down a few seats. We were in Abba’s presence, and this time, I approached the Throne Room much differently. My heart was so focused on praise and gratitude, that it wasn’t until halfway through the worship set, that Holy Spirit whispered to me:
See? I saved you a seat, a seat where you’d feel safe. And, look, I saved mine right next to you. I didn’t forget you; I had everything perfectly planned.
Abba seat 8, Lalia seat 9
Humbling for sure, but I couldn’t help but smile—and snap a picture. You see, that auditorium was packed for a sold-out event, and my God saved me a seat exactly where He knew I’d feel less anxious. And He saved His right next to me. . . for the entire event.
Hope Darst and Northview Worship
Now, that may not mean much to you, but that seat, that gesture, that miracle meant everything to me. The precise, tender care of God is extraordinary, as is the love and mercy He showed me after my tantrum. Y’all, His love is immeasurable. Again, the story doesn’t stop here.
Charlotte Gambill
Charlotte Gambill taught the exact message that I needed to hear, using some of the same verses God has been bringing up over and over to me. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I believe the enemy knew what that service held for me, the ways I’d experience God and his faithfulness, and tried to sabotage that. But God, in His abundant generosity, orchestrated what seemed impossible into the miraculous possible so that His daughter could know she’s loved and He is worthy of her trust.
The enemy very easily could have won. My frustration, anger, and disappointment were fueling some very unChristlike behavior. The last thing I wanted to do was turn around and possibly go through the same experience, but I had to lay down my pride. I had to surrender. I had to turn from my destructive ways and face God in humility and repentance. 2 Chronicles 7:14 outlines this surrender and redemption, “…if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land” (ESV). Forgiveness and healing begin with humility plus repentance. God didn’t have to provide for my seat-saving request, but He chose to—that’s grace. Sometimes the real freedom is in surrender.
As soon as I walked from my bedroom into the hallway, I could smell that fresh, earthy scent of green peppers. Ruby again. Our seven month old puppy sneaks into my garden, picks green bell peppers, and eats them raw while leaving the seeds behind. She’d been out early this morning snacking on peppers and bringing leftovers in the house. In the middle of my prayer time, I wandered through the garden, picking peppers before Ruby could eat them all. And there in the garden was so much life and growth and beauty that my frustration turned into a blessing.
My morning garden-walk with God reminded me of the first time we meet God—in a garden! Eden. And then my thoughts drifted to where we find Jesus the night before His crucifixion—in a garden! Gethsemane. And then I thought of being beside my grandmother as she breathed her first breath—in a garden! Heaven. Her four children, Lily, and I surrounded her bed, singing her favorite song together, In the Garden, as she entered heaven. Maw-Maw’s hospital window looked out into a prayer garden, with a cross visible from her bed. Lily and I found hours of solace there. Roses, gardenias, and other plants bordered the prayer path we spent hours pacing. That my God would curate such a beautiful, meaningful place for Maw-Maw to leave earth and enter heaven astounded me. He is more generous and loving than we could ever imagine.
I’ve been quiet about my grandmother’s death for a lot of reasons. Her passing was something I’d been dreading since childhood. I dearly loved my grandma, and there just haven’t been words to process her loss yet. There’s a precious little bond that I treasure though: Maw-Maw was present as I drew my first-ever breath, and I was honored to be present as she drew her last breath. Though the grief process has been long and silent, God has sustained me. He’s been my Rock, never failing to remind me that He sees me, He hears me, and He knows (2 Kings 20:5 “I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will heal you.”). And so many of those reminders come while I’m tending my gardens—the tiger lilies, the yellow roses, the peas, the okra, the green tomatoes. All these have sweet memories of Maw-Maw’s wisdom or moments together attached.
Have you ever considered Creation? Before God breathed life into humanity, He planted a luscious garden with everything humanity would need to sustain us. He thought of everything, then executed it all masterfully and beautifully. Because He’s a gentleman, and because He loves us immeasurably, He created everything we’d need first!
Picking up where I left off in my devotional time, reading from Bob Goff’s book, Catching Whimsy, I was blown away by a new-to-me thought Goff introduced. Jesus told a parable (Matthew 7:24-27) about the different foundations built upon by the wise man and the foolish man. The foolish man built his house on shifting sand, which crashed to devastation when the rains came. The wise man, however, built his house on a solid rock foundation. When the rains came, his home stood firm.
Goff suggests that we aren’t all given a firm foundation. We don’t all have ready-rocks to build on. Perhaps we were born into poverty. Maybe our spouse walked out, leaving us with nothing but five kids and no job. But the beautiful thing is this: God already thought of that too! He designed a perfect plan for that—Himself. He offered Himself to be our Rock, our foundation! What? Read that again. Slowly. Now read it once again, even more slowly this time. No matter what shaky, uncertain, shifting, unsteady, crumbling foundation we have, we can choose to build our lives on Him. He’s steady, solid, firm, unmoving, sturdy, and unshakable. He gave Himself. As a gift. There’s no earning, no striving, just grace. All grace. All we have to do is choose to build on Him, our Rock. Then when those devastating floods of overwhelm threaten to shake our lives, we can rest—REST—assured that we are held firm, unshakeable and safe.
The imagery of both rocks and gardens paints an exquisite picture of God’s faithfulness in sustaining us. When we build our lives on Him, He provides all we need. Because He is all we need. The courageous question here is: How do I respond to that? What if I don’t get the job promotion I’d planned for? What if that diagnosis is worse than we imagined? What if there’s no money after that last house payment? The answer to that courageous question for me is simply: surrender. It’s that unfurling of the fist to tenderly release control. Life may not look or go just like I envisioned, but I surrender to God’s way, knowing His is the best way, and His plan is always, always good. Ann Voskamp, in her book Sacred Prayer, calls this way of life cruciformity—it’s living a cross-shaped life, a life of taking up our crosses in surrender and following Jesus. Live cruciform, and you will live a beautifully sustained life because Love Himself is breathing life into you.
I invite you to find a garden today and talk to God there. Your prayer doesn’t have to be pretty or have flowery words. God just wants your heart, your raw, tender, realest real heart! Then, pick up a rock to remind you that God Himself is the Rock upon which to build your life. He is for you, and He won’t let you down. Ever.
Have you ever been on a prayer walk? There’s this 15-ish minute pathway I take whenever I pray and walk. Since I’ve plodded and pleaded so often, my seven-year-old has dubbed the path the “Prayer Walk Route.” It’s a sacred place for me. God and I have had so many deep conversations while flowers blossomed and leaves changed. Those wayside plants have been well watered by tears.
Months and months ago, there was a particularly painful season, and while I continued daily along the Prayer Walk Route, I felt alone. God was quiet. The conversation felt one-sided—just me. Not hearing from God was frustrating. I remember begging for Him to whisper to my soul or even shout at me. Silence.
Still, I carried on. One foot in front of the other. Every single day. Met with more silence, I started begging for a sign, a specific sign. I asked for a four-leaf clover.
Dutch clover, among others, is abundant in our home area. Along my Prayer Walk Route clover is prolific. My honeybees love it! And I always, always look for four-leaf clovers. Who doesn’t want good luck? So, I began bargaining with the clover-Creator, “If You really love me, would You please help me find a four-leaf clover?”
Not one. Even before this I’d always wanted to find one. And I couldn’t understand why, in all the countless hours over three plus decades, I could never find one. As a creative, I see the world in patterns, shapes, and colors—but I couldn’t see a four-leaf clover. Ever.
I remember being on this survival hike, and this lady looked down and found a handful. Siblings found them. Friends found them. A gal in my fitness group finds them by the dozens. My daughter found them. But I couldn’t find one.
My prayer walks began to feel more like burden marathons and pity parties, always asking God to prove His love. But I couldn’t feel it, couldn’t see it.
Until one night, during this stark season of darkness, I heard from God. Sitting outside at a car hop, I glanced up from my strawberry lemonade, and saw these words printed across a stranger’s t-shirt:
Even if You Don’t
My Hope is You Alone
Those words, lyrics from the MercyMe song Even If, were like light and oxygen and water to my dried up, used up soul. And He whispered that I wasn’t alone, I’d never been alone, because He is my Only, my Alone. And even if I never found the lucky clover, I’d still trust Him, I’d still hope in Him.
Five days after seeing that stranger’s shirt, I decided to walk a different trail. With both beagles and my daughter in tow, we headed out into the sunshine. No destination in mind, we followed the beagles’ noses. It’s a habit for me to pray as I walk, and I can still remember the place where I was praying gratitude to my God for loving me so well. I was filled with thanksgiving and joy, knowing without a doubt that my Abba loved me—and was thanking Him for already proving His love in so many ways. As I was saying those words, the exact moment, I glanced over to check on one of the beagles, and there it was! A four-leaf clover! It was nestled in a verdant sea, but the clover was so obvious as if it were the only one there.
What’s remarkable to me is that it wasn’t until I stopped demanding ultimatums and proof of His love, and until I could just rest and believe in His love, that He gave me this beautiful gift. The way He waited until already believed I was loved before seeing the clover is so much more meaningful.
For me, four-leaf clovers aren’t lucky. They don’t represent good luck. No, for me, the four-leaf clover will forevermore represent good LOVE.
Self-sufficiency is one of those modern day buzz words that seems to be the bow that ties the tidy package of living off-grid, having ample savings, raising and growing food, future prepping, and being independent. Sounds like a dream, right? But is it really? Let’s zoom in on Habakkuk 2.
Habakkuk 2:2 begins God’s answer to Habakkuk’s second complaint. Remember, Habakkuk was the questioning prophet who lived around 600 years before Jesus was born (see previous blog). God is answering Habakkuk with a vision of the Babylonian Exile. Here, He instructs Habakkuk to write the vision. And right smack in the middle of all this doom and gloom comes hope! Because doesn’t our faithful God always provide for hope? In verse 4 (ESV) God promises, “Behold, his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by his faith” (emphasis mine).
What does that mean? Why is it so full of hope? Let’s read on. Verses 5-17 detail more of the coming destruction and devastation. Then we come to verses 18-20 (ESV):
“What profit is an idol when its maker has shaped it, a metal image, a teacher of lies?
For its maker trusts in his own creation when he makes speechless idols!
Woe to him who says to a wooden thing, Awake; to a silent stone, Arise!
Can this teach?
Behold, it is overlaid with gold and silver, and there is no breath at all in it.
But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth keep silence before him.”
Zooming in even closer, “its maker trusts in his own creation…and there is no breath at all in it” (Habakkuk 2:18-19, ESV). And I catch my own breath as I digest this—am I putting more hope and trust and energy into what I’ve created (or gardened or canned or raised or dreamed or saved) than I am putting into God to sustain me? Scripture indicates that even the fanciest, top-of-the-line securities and idols cannot save or profit us. And looking at the Babylonian Exile and other events, we see that history supports scripture.
Self-sufficiency isn’t sustainable. The only thing that has been, is, and ever will be sustainable is God-sufficiency.
Because God is sufficient and alive, we don’t have to rely on ourselves. Self-sufficiency, well, it’s never sufficient. Our creations have no breath, no life outside of God. Jesus declared, “I AM the Life.” Because of Jesus, we have ever-present hope. We can live with hope because we’re no longer dependent on our own sufficiencies, but we’re living our faith—living fully dependent on God.
I imagine that being God-sufficient, and even this counter-cultural idea, looks differently for everyone. And I know, I know, the idea is intimidating. What does laying down your drive toward self-sufficiency look like? How does it feel? Now, how does it feel to embrace living a God-sufficient life, embracing complete dependence on Him? What does it look like? How does your perspective shift?
For my little family, choosing to be God-sufficient rather than self-sufficient has been humbling. And the road has been excruciating at times, but we’ve never, ever been alone. The blessings that brokenness bring far outweigh the pain. We have witnessed miracles that will be passed down through generations.
We’ve chosen to homeschool for several deeply personal reasons, and that alone is a sacrifice. Even homeschooling is costly—financially and time-wise. Living on one seasonal income is hard. So hard.
Imagine, it’s December 1, and you notice your bank account has just under $200.00, yes, two hundred dollars, and that’s literally all you have, and your mortgage payment is due, which is considerably more than $200.00. So, you text your husband and ask if he made the house payment, hoping he says, “yes,” because you have a dozen people to buy Christmas gifts for, groceries for the week to purchase, and utility bills to pay. And, oh, there’s an unexpected vet bill and medications and because your husband’s work is seasonal, he has no work in the foreseeable future. And, the oven stopped working and his mower broke (essential for a landscaper) and the weight was crushing the breath right out of me. And, and, and….. He didn’t say the yes I was so hoping to hear; he said, “not yet.”
How would we make the payment? How could I have surprises for my little girl on Christmas morning? How would I feed my family and our animals? How would we pay the utility bills? How could we save for a new oven and mower part when we absolutely had nothing to even save? Should I send our little girl to school and start working outside our home? All these thoughts played on repeat in my mind day and night until I’d utterly exhausted myself.
Did you read all the “I’s” above? I was trying to fix everything. I was trusting in my own self-sufficiency. Had I been God-sufficient, I would’ve had much less anxiety. Becoming God-sufficient isn’t easy, and it’s a practice in humility. I had to lay down my pride and receive help. I’m a giver, so receiving is like pulling teeth for me; it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But it’s a beautiful blessing. I shared, with no details, in my small group that my husband needed work, and we prayed together. I shared with a close soul-sister. And I released.
On a Wednesday night mid-December, I told my husband we were putting all the uncertainties into a box, wrapping it in gorgeous imaginary paper, sealing it with a bright, red bow, and giving it to God. The only thing left was to communicate with God and trust Him completely. And the miracles came tumbling in—only God. Don’t you even tell me He can’t do it, because I’ve seen Him, over and over and over again.
An anonymous angel delivered an abundance of surprises for my little girl for Christmas, everything a little girl could dream of! A friend helped me buy groceries and some gifts. Two generous souls paid for the very expensive mower part. A friend surprised us with a new oven and so much more. Work started coming in from a suggestion from a friend in my small group. And God’s bank paid all our bills. I don’t even know how, but I’ve seen miracles that would blow your mind.
God Math—it’s real. I get it; when you read the memory of Jesus feeding 5000 with just a bit of fish and bread from one boy’s lunch and there being 12 full baskets leftover, it seems just like ancient folklore. But when you live it and actually witness it, it’s powerful. Those recorded memories from Jesus’ friends take on significant meaning and authenticity. For us, all year, God has taken just under $200.00 and has used that to sustain us. You see, what I didn’t tell you is that our bank account started in January a year ago with $196.00. Winter is oh-so-hard for us. And mid-winter, there was a tax mistake that the tax service didn’t note, which resulted in an unexpected $5000+ adjustment. Remember, we had less than $200. And there has rarely been a time all last year that I saw the bank account creep above $200. But God. My family is warm and fed. We have all we need. Had I tried to keep finding a solution and depending on my own sufficiency, I doubt we’d be where we are now. And I know we wouldn’t have witnessed miracles and established connections, and developed deeper friendships. No, those blessings came because we chose to be God-sufficient.
I love this quote by Philip Yancey in his book, The Jesus I Never Knew:
“With nowhere else to turn, the desperate just may turn to Jesus, the only one who can offer the deliverance they long for…maybe, just maybe, the desperate person will cry out to God for help. If so, that person is truly blessed.”
Yancey goes on to state, “poor people find themselves in a posture that befits the grace of God. In their state of neediness, dependence, and dissatisfaction with life, they may welcome God’s free gift of love…they are more naturally dependent, because they have no choice; they must depend on others simply to survive.”
Mid-December, someone assured me that if we needed anything, all I had to do was ask. And I remember tapping out a message sharing the incomprehensibility of God Math and detailing the miracles keeping us afloat. And I wrote something I believed with all my heart and still hold to—if I get too comfortable, there’s this very real possibility I’d feel self-sufficient. While being God-sufficient is hard and painful at times, I never want to not need Him. I’ve drawn so close to Him because I’ve had to. God is all I had. And no matter what, I never want to drift away. I know I’m seen and held and carried and loved and sustained. I’ve seen the miracles. And they’re too good to not believe.
No longer will I strive to be self-sufficient. From now on, I choose to be God-sufficient.
This is one of the most vulnerable blogs I’ve written—utterly humiliating. But it isn’t about me; it’s about sharing God for His glory. I didn’t do any of that. He did it! There was that self-sufficient paragraph above with all the “I” questions. I want to shift that to a God-sufficient perspective in answering those same questions.
God, in His limitless generosity, made our house payment. God creatively sent Christmas surprises. God provided food and necessities. God supplied money for the utility bills. God used others to bless us with an oven and means for a mower part. God whispered through His Word that I am to be still; I am right where He wants me.
It really is so sweet to just trust in Jesus. There is life, abundant life, in Him. So for me, I’m choosing God-sufficiency. And in God’s incredibly upside-down kingdom, we received the gift of being able to bless others in need. ❤️
Hearth & Hive 